Thursday, 28 November 2013

How to judge a guy by the bike that he rides

Road cycling attracts a certain type of guy; regardless of the type of cyclist he is, all dudes who ride are trying to portray a very particular type of image. Whether he is a hipster who rides a fixie about town, or an Italian Stallion on his polished up Pinarello, the type of bike a guy rides can tell you a lot about him; whether or not to go for him, or ride for the hills.

Here is my guide on how to pick the perfect man - depending on his bike of choice. Though superficial, I'm well qualified to make these sweeping generalisations; on my "List" i.e. prerequisites for dating a guy, I included, "must own at least one cervelo" (I would have made an exception if he was a professional cyclist and rode the team bike). When finding a compatible guy, for me, it really is all about the bike.

Cervelo
My second baby is my white P3
This guy likes a smooth, fast ride. He is either a serious roadie or triathlete, and is prepared to pay for quality.
This dude is not one to go against the grain; Cervelo is a reliable, though uncreative choice. But then again, if you are onto a good thing, why change?

Specialized
A little too special for my tastes. 
Specialized came in number three after Cervelo and Trek at the Kona bike count for the last two years, and so while this dude may have legs of steel, be on guard; this rider may well put the special in Speacialized. He likes to think that he is a bit different, unique and unusual - the usual Cervelo or Trek simply won't do for him. He wants to stand out from the crowd, though not necessarily in a good way, he may be trying to be different just for it's own sake.

Pinarello
Mr Pinarello; no description necessary 
Pinarello make great bikes, though they do atract a certain type of male rider. Smooth, fast talking, and someone who likes a bit a bling. This is for the roadie who likes quality, but he likes to show that he likes quality. Pinarello attracts two types; either the serious rider who is obsessed with his bike and is happy to throw all his cash at it, or the wealthier of the cafe cyclist mob. The later will likely have all the gear and no idea, be squeezed into some white asos lycra, and his bike and kit will be part of an ostentatious display of wealth. This is not as bad as it seems; if you are looking for some superficial fun and like drinking only Vueve Clicqout or Billecart, this is your man. He will spend his money on you while it helps his image, though you are never going to get much beyond that.
Beware the former Mr Pinarello; this guy will chose his bike over you every time.
Pinarello; it's all about the bling.
Bianchi
The age of the bike may well match the age of the rider. Old school!
Is he over 50? Italian? These are the only guys who can ride these bikes and retain any kind of creditability. It's likely Mr Bianchi has been riding Bianchi since he was a 20 year old club racer, and back in the day he probably gave it a pretty good crack.
He probally still has quads of steel, but these days he may also have a little belly (middle-age spread happens to the best of us). This guy will be loyal, though he is likely also to be a little eccentric.
Not too many guys can pull off white lycra. Unless this guy is a pro, run.
And the weirder and more annoying ones.....

Mr "I must have a carbon bike"
There are loads of these guys around. For these guys, cycling is the new golf. The last time he went out on a bike was when his girlfriend at uni decided they would hire mountain bikes for a nice ride in the park. That was a really long time ago. This is a middle-aged banker / lawyer / finance guy who can see his youth and charisma slipping away from him. Now he has money, he is going to prove to everyone he is still hip.
His first bike must be carbon, though he will try to negotiate about the price tag because he won't want to pay for carbon. It won't occur to him that if he spent more time actually exercising, rather than talking about what he accomplished in his youth, then the relatively small difference in weight between an alloy and carbon bike would be entirely negated because he himself would be a signifanctly lighter load to get up all those hills.
He will also be married. And this is his potential answer to his midlife crisis.
It's just not right.
Mr "I want to buy a $AU12 000 carbon bike but can you put flat pedals on it".
Don't laugh, I was asked for this one day when I was working as the bike shop chick. The guys in the shop were horrified, but I said, "what the hell, just sell it". Yes, it is unconscionable to make that kind of a sale. It is a bastardisation of a beautiful bike, clearly being wasted on some schmuck who wants to cruise around the park a few times while showing everyone he knows just how truly rich he is. But hey, some people get what they deserve.


Good luck ladies, and don't say that you haven't been warned!

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